How (female) pass observed urine test with sythetic urine?

Discussion in 'Urine Testing' started by suzyQ, Feb 20, 2007.

  1. suzyQ

    suzyQ New Member


    Nothing like waiting till the last minute... My deadline is 8pm this evening. I am required to have a urinanalysis drug test, observed by the lag asshole this evenng. I am going with the synthetic urine, which I have never tried. There is no option, but to pass this test. I was going to literally get a catheter and do that whole thing, but its too late to get the medical supplies, and I figure there must be an easier method. I need advice on rigging something up to be able get the urine in the cup as if I was doing it myself while not being caught. I realize the temperature factors. I am in need of advice on how someone created something to do this unnoticed. They also check the toilet before you flush so nothing call fall in the toilet. Please advice asap!
     
  2. 1tokeovertheline

    1tokeovertheline New Member

    I doubt you have time to practice enough to pull it off, but read the substitution sticky for starters and good luck. Subbing while observed would be hard to pull off if you knew what you were doing.
     
  3. jw22315

    jw22315 New Member

    get yourself a lemon juice squeezer. fill it with clean urine. stick it on up there, you know where. Id say atleast for like two hours. Get yourself a peice of MAC's EAR WAX stuff. Place it over the opening. ( because you will NOT be able to unscrew the cap with one hand without looking obvious ) Have the opening about 1/3 of an inch outside of you. Sit down, hold the pee cup in place and ACT NORMAL. Slowly remove the wax with one of your finger tips, let it drop into toilet if you have to. COUGH or sigh really loud while doing this. Then use your "female" muscles to squeez a little of the urine out ( also, remove the plastic flow control peice from the lemon juice container, it wont allow for a proper flow. you will need the stream to sound like the real thing ) to hit the toilet water and then catch the rest in cup. Then WIPE with a BIG peice of toilet paper to cover up the little clear wax that is in the bowl. BUT YOU MUST PRACTICE!!!!!!!!! A GAZILLION TIMES! If you arent confident in this method, DONT DO IT as you will seem nervous and be all shakey! I cant garuntee this method, but I do this! MOST IMPORTANT thing is to PRACTICE!
     
  4. 1tokeovertheline

    1tokeovertheline New Member

    If this isn't supposed to be funny then I apologize. If it was supposed to be funny it was a good one. :rofl2: Have you actually done this?????

    She is having/had an observed test.

    So what about that sucking noise when the air rushes into the plastic lemon when you release your "female" muscles????:eek:

    Also don't you think the one observering would wonder what the hell you are picking at with your finger. Especially if you are doing it slowly?:(

    Thanks for the post it was good whether it was serious or not.

    Now I have a new one. The old one....."she could suck start a Harley" The new one...."she could squeeze the juice out of a lemon with her female muscles".:laugh:

    I am glad I wasn't stoned when I read this.....:)
     
  5. Secs

    Secs New Member

    doesn't wax float???
     
  6. Bixby

    Bixby Active Member

    Maybe Try Something Like This

    Hey Suzy,

    I remember reading somewhere, maybe in Nightbyrd's booklet, that what a woman donor might do would be to put her clean synthetic/sub sample into a non-lubed condom, and position it to start a stream without being seen from an observer's viewpoint.

    (I personally question how much would be seen, especially if the donor uses a little distraction at the appropriate moment. You might have give some thought to this. Heck, enough distraction and you'd be able to just pour it in, practically.)

    Anyways, the suggestion was to use a sharp fingernail to puncture the condom to release the contents into the cup in a natural-looking way. Any other sharp object you could manage would work.

    My idea - consider using some Gerber baby nipples sold at the grocery. They come with different flow rates (i.e. two and three holes) so pick something that will get the stuff out faster. The longer it takes for you to put it in the cup, the more chance for an observer to stumble on your little cheat.

    Nipples come in a 4-pack, try a few different modifications to their hole arrangement until you get the outflow to look like the real thing. The nipple attached condom just might allow some fine control over starting and stopping the stream that you can't achieve by poking a hole in the hidden donor sample condom container.

    You will need some muscle control down there in order to make this work. Tip everything downwards and you not only hide your thing, but it lets gravity work to help you expel your sample into the cup.

    You won't have any problem with temperature, just make sure you use the amount of water they recommend with their product, and make sure you can get it into the cup instead of your hands or in the bowl.

    You need to practice your technique until you are confident in your performance, and that results are repeatable and predictable.

    There are companies out there who can overnight your order and if the test is imminent I hope you already got your stuff.

    I passed a test with synthetic stuff a few weeks ago, and would definitely endorse it as a successful alternative, if for some reason you want to substitute.

    If you are determined enough and have a clean sample you can succeed.

    Good luck! :wave:
     
  7. jw22315

    jw22315 New Member

    If this isn't supposed to be funny then I apologize. If it was supposed to be funny it was a good one. Have you actually done this?????

    She is having/had an observed test.

    So what about that sucking noise when the air rushes into the plastic lemon when you release your "female" muscles????

    Also don't you think the one observering would wonder what the hell you are picking at with your finger. Especially if you are doing it slowly?

    Thanks for the post it was good whether it was serious or not.

    LOL! I WAS TOTALLY SERIOUS! hey, desperate times call for desperate measures.
    To answer your questions, ( and they were surely valid ) Women have a slight advantage because we sit and place the cup UNDERneath us, obviously. We can hold the cup with two fingers leaving one of the other ones ( thumb most likely ) able to move freely without being seen. Trust me, it can be done with ease. And besides, one smooth sweep of the finger ( or thumb ) can remove the small wax covering. This is why practice is a must. To determine which finger, which position and so forth is most comfortable and smooth to pull off.
    As for the wax floating, it does not. It seems to drop all the way to the bottom actually out of plain sight. The toilet paper "cover up " is just for good measure. It also doesnt make much of a splash. again, practice!
    The wax idea came from the fact that most container tops and lids DO make noises and are difficult to operate without looking like one is fumbling around with something. Also, if placed on correctly, is a good sealer of leakage.
    BUT GLAD YOU GOT A KICK OUT OF IT!

    And as for the sucking noise, I too was concerned that this may happen but the body itself seems to muffle any noise made if, in fact, it DOES make that sound. I guess it would be a little hard to completely know what I mean from a guy's perspective. But Ladies, I think you all would.
     
  8. jw22315

    jw22315 New Member

    Bixby.... i worry about the condom method and sharp fingernail. In theory, I think it sounds good....but Ive tried this and the condom filled "devices" are a BITCH to deal with. They arent sturdy enough to get a good grip on. Sort of like a water ballon just wiggles around when squeezing it. They dont stay in place very well and can explode or leak making an obvious mess and total disaster. I only throw my two cents in here because I have tried it and was NEVER successful on any practice runs, it was just too difficult. I know you didnt ask my opinion, but forgive me, It is meant with no disrespect.
     
  9. 1tokeovertheline

    1tokeovertheline New Member


    Yes...that is why they said:
     
  10. 1tokeovertheline

    1tokeovertheline New Member

    You're right I am not a woman but I am starting to understand. Why not just use one of them squeeze mustard bottles? Then you could just pop the little top open and squeeze out what you need and snap it back closed. Then you wouldn't have to worry about covering the wax.
     
  11. Secs

    Secs New Member

    I'm not cutting any other woman's muscle tone, but I believe you would have to be a very experienced porn star to have that kind of muscle control. The Kegel excercises would have to start about 3 months in advance to be strong enough to squeeze enough of the fluid out of a plastic lemon juice container, or anything other than something as flexible as a condom for that matter.

    Besides the fact that a properly observed test actually watches the urine flow from the body. There would have to be a woman doing the observing and every woman knows you don't need to touch yourself to pee. The cup is usually held about 3-4 inches BELOW the body when voiding. IF a woman put the cup up against herself so she could actually peal the wax stopper from a bottle hidden in her vagina, I would ask her to lower the cup so I could see clearly. IF I didn't ask her to do this, then I, as the observer, couldn't do my job properly.

    I was required to do an observed the other day. The woman didn't sit directly on the toilet, but rather held herself over the toilet in a sort of half squat (like peeing in the woods) and held the cup under and caught the flow of urine about 3 inches below the body.
     
  12. 1tokeovertheline

    1tokeovertheline New Member

    First off (you know but for everyone else) I am a male. I learned what a Kegal was 27 yrs ago while taking child birth classes with my wife for my oldest son. Those plastic lemons aren't really that easy to sqeeze. That is why I suggested the plastic mustard bottle. They are a little easier to squeeze.;) Kegals are easy to do, can be done anywhere and could prevent a bladder suspension when you get older. I recommend women do them daily and several times. Then again like I said I am a male.;)

    One of the disadvantages of being a woman. A man has to touch himself to pee or at least to get his "male muscle" out and ready. I was asked once when we had a party if I had bladder problems because of my frequent trips to the bathroom. I replied " No, I just like to hold it."
    Or........in the same manner you would after painting your tool box pink while carrying a purple lunch box.:angel:

    note to admin/mods.....I have already taken action and warned myself to refrain from replying in this thread in the future.
     
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  13. jw22315

    jw22315 New Member

    You're right I am not a woman but I am starting to understand. Why not just use one of them squeeze mustard bottles? Then you could just pop the little top open and squeeze out what you need and snap it back closed. Then you wouldn't have to worry about covering the wax.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Actually, thats a great idea. Although, the mustard bottle MAY be a bit too big....but then, I guess it all depends on the girl. LOL!
    The conatiner itself has to be pretty easy to squeeze too. In fact, soley relying on "squeezing" it may cause one to run into trouble because you need a steady stream.....not one that stops and starts, and you would have to squeeze repeatedly in order to get all of the fluid out. Again, I guess it all depends on the girl and what she is capable of doing with her "southern talents". The easiest type of container is one that A.) stays securley in place with out risk of falling out. B.) an easy access opening that prevents leakage and requires minimal effort to open and C.)a steady and sure FLOW that doesnt require a lot of squeezing yet doesnt all splash out at once.
    It's a bit of a recipe to follow and ALL systems checked until performed with ease. But then, I guess that is rather obvious. G'NIGHT!
     
  14. jw22315

    jw22315 New Member

    Besides the fact that a properly observed test actually watches the urine flow from the body. There would have to be a woman doing the observing and every woman knows you don't need to touch yourself to pee. The cup is usually held about 3-4 inches BELOW the body when voiding. IF a woman put the cup up against herself so she could actually peal the wax stopper from a bottle hidden in her vagina, I would ask her to lower the cup so I could see clearly. IF I didn't ask her to do this, then I, as the observer, couldn't do my job properly.

    I was required to do an observed the other day. The woman didn't sit directly on the toilet, but rather held herself over the toilet in a sort of half squat (like peeing in the woods) and held the cup under and caught the flow of urine about 3 inches below the body.

    Honestly, even if I wasnt dirty, there is NO WAY I would be able to go thru all that rigamaroo in order to give a sample. There is no way I would Stand or squat above the toilet, Pee a bit and then place the cup underneath the stream to catch it. I just couldnt do that!! I dont know if it is a deep dwelling issue I have with peeing in front of another human being or what.... but I just dont think I could do all that.
    How could a woman observer ACTUALLY watch the stream of the flow leaving the woman's body with out squatting down herself and looking directly at the vagina?? I have NEVER seen that done. Are you saynig they are actually SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?? that would ALSO freak me out to NO END. CLEAN OR DIRTY! Seriously, are they really supposed to do that???
    I could understand the observer having to LISTEN to the flow, but I can NOT see or wrap my brain around an observer getting that close or being that intrusive to my bodily function. WHEW! If I were clean, I would become SO VERY INDIGNANT and angry!
    But if what you say is true, and in fact, the observer MUST watch the flow leave the uretha.... I dont see how she could possibly do that without her head being 6 inches from my vagina. Im shuddering at the thought! YIKES!
     
  15. Secs

    Secs New Member

    The only reason to be subjected to an observed drug test (for employment) is if you have been caught trying to cheat on this or another drug test or have been positive on a previous test and the employer is giving you another chance to keep your job by staying clean.

    Yes, they are supposed to do that and no, it doesn't take your face 6 inches from your vagina. If the donor doesn't actually sit on the seat but rather squats above it, it is rather easy to see.

    Welcome to the real world. You get all upset and shocked, but this is life in the world as we live in it. You fail a drug test for an employer, and the employer gives you another chance, this is what you are subject to.

    Or... probation and military tests are almost always observed. Most probation officers don't actually observe correctly, but in the military, they most certainly do.
     
  16. jw22315

    jw22315 New Member

    uh....er...um...Yes SIR! or MA'AM! ( shrieking back slowly, hands up in protective mode )

    I was just sayin what worked for me on observed tests for the last 6 years. Ever had a close call? Yes I have! Ever been a fumbling, shakey donor? Of course! Ever thought....."damn, if I would just stop puffin I wouldnt have to worry about this to begin with!"?? Oh yeah! But, because Im a toker, I guess it would be pointless or somewhat redundant to say I try to keep away from that big nasty REAL WORLD. for cryin out loud, I feel like I just ran away from Boot Camp and got screamed at!
    Guess I will take my toys ( and lemon juice squeezer ) and go to another sand box to play in! HMPH!!!!!!!!!
    What a DELIGHT its been!
     
  17. Broadzilla

    Broadzilla New Member

    A friend of mine swears by this method of being tested while being observed. She says she's never been caught.

    She takes one of those little liquor bottles that you get on airplanes. She fills it with the sub, and puts a piece of foil, and a rubber band tightened to keep the foil on.

    She makes sure she actually has to pee when she does the test.

    She puts the bottle *there* and at test time, she puts the cup under her, and punctures the foil with her fingernail, the sub goes into the cup.

    Then she moves the cup, and actually pees into the toilet.

    I've never been brave enough to try this, but she says it works.
     
  18. JJToker

    JJToker New Member

    I have to say that SEC I would put money on it you are male. I have been drug tests for years and NEVER EVEN ONCE has an observer looked at my VaJJ! I know you really seem to like to be right but in the case of female urination (or substituion) techniques perhaps you should leave the advice to the females. And I hope that JW returns I am going to practice her method tonight.
     
  19. 29yeartoker

    29yeartoker New Member

    Sorry to dissapoint you but Sec is a female. She is also in the testing field. Her advice is sound and she knows what she is talking about. I would take her advice.
     
  20. JJToker

    JJToker New Member

    Soorry!!

    I can tell you for sure that just because someone is in the testing field does NOT mean they know anything about how to beat a test. The only way to know is to practice different methods and share our experience so SHE should have been a little nicer to women on here that are trying to share thier experience and not argue. I mean there is only like four women that have shared successfull substituion methods so lighten up! Take a toke, it's all good!
     

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